A tale of three spiders

Sid felt a little squashed , hunched up as he was in a small area of the wainskirting that needed some filler. He had been waiting for some minutes to see his friend and playmate, Arthur, who had indicated by a wave of his sixth leg, that he would join Sid shortly.
"Hmmmm" muttered Sid.
"Never trust the sixth son of a sixth Harvestman, too busy hanging around in corners and showing off!" he growled spiderly.
Just at that moment , the dark corner in which he was lurking became flooded with light.
"Oh bugger! Thats done it! " he thought to himself.
"The missus is in the room."
Click.. click.. click....click click click! came the soft noise.
It was Arthur.
He was under the sofa, trying to attract Sids attention......and....he wasn't alone!
" Over here Sid, " he whispered. Im with my fiancee, Sherree."
Oh great! Thought Sid. Even less reason to meet me now, probably fertilising eggs as we click!
"Well get your skinny self and your bird over here before she- who- hates -us, sees us and gets her bloke to do us all!

" No," said Arthur "Ive got a better idea.Lets have a little game with her.Shes scared stiff of us"
"Just follow me, go where I go".

"Sounds suicidal to me " thought Sid irritably, but he was up for showing off in front of Sids fiancee. "Nice palps that one" he leered.

Arthur suddenly scuttled from his hiding place and moved quickly to the centre of the rug.
Sherree followed , frightened to be left alone under the sofa .(She was scared of the dark).
Sid , followed suit and the three of them were in full view of the missus who let out a terrible shriek, but didnt move.

Realising that, in fact ,they were onto a winner, the three of them devised a little dance, loosely based on a square dance where each of them ran to an opposite corner and back to the middle again.
This dance was much enhanced by Arthur , wishing to show sherree what he was made of, whistling " Born Free" whilst waving his palps in the air.
This little menage a trois continued for a few minutes until......

Bam! Oh ...my...God! Sid exclaimed as Sherree ran for cover.

Arthur had been trapped by the great glass elevator in the sky.
He was, as Sid watched from the safety of the sofa with Sherree, trying desperately to climb up the sheer sides of the glass.All to no avail.

"Ah well, he was a good bloke, shame he didnt get to fertilise those eggs of yours Sherree"
said Sid.
"May I be so bold as to offer my services?"

And......the two lived happily ever after.....until she-who-hates-us...got the hoover out the next day.


This is a true story , based on facts given to me by a friend (she-who-hated-them).
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Attack of the killer geese

The day started in a fairly hectic way with the youngest being driven to the station in order that he might continue his studies in studentland, braving the rush hour traffic to Staines and only half awake at that.
Still, a walk , with my old mukker Marion, along the canal, through the marina , round Little Britain Lake , ending up with a nice cuppa and an egg and bacon sarnie at the lock keepers cottage was looming so all was right with the world.

Yes, I know it looks innocent enough but look into its eyes!

The first bit was good and then we began the little Britain stretch.
Now I noticed the man walking his carthorse down the road, heard a little scuffle, didnt think much of it.

My first mistake.

Through the hedge, necks outstretched,orange beaks bared (if theyd had teeth they would have been bared too) hissing and running straight for us came two white geese.
"They dont look happy " said Marion.
"Theyll be OK" said moi.

My second mistake.

This is more like it!

These damn avian rottweillers made a bee line (gooseline I suppose) for Marion who, fortunately , out of character, was wearing full length trousers instead of her usual shorts.
(Not for nothing is she known as "legs".)

They pecked her hard on the shin and thigh, making a two pronged attack that meant she didnt stand a chance.
Now, why they went for her and not me is simply speculation.I think they were attracted to her light coloured trousers rather than my black ones. Maybe they thought she looked like an egg stealer , tho god alone knows where their eggs were.
Whatever.
I could not stand and watch my pal being attacked and so I jumped into the affray clapping my

hands and shooing loudly.

Quite what I thought I would achieve I cannot be sure.
Its all a haze.
Anyway
The beasts took not a jot of notice and persisted with their foul attack.
Then I really got mad and started hitting them, hard on their not insubstantial backs and swiping at their long necks in the hope of strangling them,at which point they turned their attentions to me.
This was where my heroism really showed itself.
"Run !" I yelled to Marion who was still recovering. I wish I had also added "save yourself" for effect.
As if she would.
Fortunately the combined attack had exhausted the evil pair and they fled , scuttling back through the hedge, leaving myself and Marion, shocked but close to hysterical laughter when we realised we werent injured. (Well, Marion reported the next day that she had a bruise but the skin wasnt broken).
The fishermen, who had been watching this scene , never once attempting to assist us , had big smurks on their dumb faces and then informed us that the horse man had also been attacked in a similar way.
Well, gee, thanks for the warning guys!!
Next Sunday, Goose on my menu!!

The Bee

I took these pics of a bumble bee on a Buddleia in my garden last year and I so love them I want to put them on display.Its as tho the bee got fed up with being photographed and decided...thats it...Im off!

Ramblings about FACEBOOK

Just an update for my millions of fans...well......just two of them actually and I havent heard from them in a while.

A rainbow over my garage. See, there always is one even when you dont think so.

First, FACEBOOK.

Well, I am such an addict that I have successfully wasted time during this half term when I should have been doing STUFF. Ive now discovered CHESS , which along with Scrabble , Lexulous , Mobwars and occasionally Who has the biggest brain ( I think you know where I might go with that one) is my latest addiction.

But , hang on, is it so terrible?

I have made lots of new friends, had loads of ups and some downs , which is normal for an I-must-cram-everything-into-one-microsecond-kind of person like me.

And, it could be worse.I could be out selling my body on the streets.

Yes, thankyou, I know, any change for 50pence?!

Who dares wins, another motto along with ......you regret that which you dont do rather than that which you do.

Rock on!!

Why do they need these?!

OK, so I dont see the need for great hulking 4x4s when all you are doing is dropping the kids off to school or going to the supermarket....via the Matterhorn, backwards whilst being winched up from a great height I suppose!! Rock on Boris and tax those babies!

I also dont see the need for buggies, yes, baby pushchairs with the same sort of wheel base. Have you seen them? They must be carrying a team of sumo wrestlers to warrant that amount of wheel power! The reason I am so incensed is not so much environmental as physical.

When you are waiting for the lift to the 6th floor and it finally arrives with enough space for a couple, its impossible to get more than two of these damn things in which means you are faced with another long wait or a god awful trek up from the lower ground floor, arriving gasping and heaving at the top not even able to open the car door before expiring on the roof tarmac!!

You get my drift?!!!

The babies

I cannot find the words that will adequately express my feelings about the babies.
No stretch of the imagination will ever make me believe that what happened was for a reason.
Other than...pure evil taking its course.
I can say , with absolute certainty, that I could take the lives of those who murdered the babies , in cold blood.
Does that make me like them?
I suppose, in a way, but I wouldnt f*****g care!
I can find the words to rant and rage at a system so shoddily built on the premise that "the best place for children is with their parents"
B******s!

I would go so far as to say that people should be screened for their suitability and competence to be parents in the first place and, if found wanting, never allowed to have or keep any babies.
And, no woman has a god given right to have a child just because she can.
And, spend some f*****g money on child protection, safe families and homes for these poor little innocents.
And, opposed as I am to capital punishment, I would hang the bastards after torturing them first!!!
Sieg Heil!

I pray that the souls of those dear little ones are happier now than they ever were on this earth and out of harms way.

Of Barrack, Brand and backpacks.

BARRACK...I love this man! He is so charismatic and everyone thinks he will work magic.Thats just the trouble, hes only human as he said himself...he wasnt born in a manger! Lets give him a chance and not keep thinking that hes everyones homeboy and will solve all the black problems with a wave of his sensitive, cultured hand.Still, big kisses from me...mwah.

And I love these two men also, but in totally different ways of course.

I have written so many letters about the Russell /Jonathan fiasco that I am almost speechless on the subject.Almost, but not quite. We seem to be moving on but its taken the silent majority out there a long time to support these two and see the absolute injustice of Russells resignation and Jonathans suspension. It was a bad joke, schoolboy humour, distasteful but THATS ALL IT WAS!! They didnt murder, rape or abuse anyone and Andrew Sachs was contacted before the program went out to see if he approved.He obviously didnt but it was broadcast anyway so...who do you sack? The performers who are employed to do that which they did or the producer who ignored Andrew Sachs concerns? Or. indeed , NO ONE!

Apologies were accepted , should have been enough. Oh boy , I HATE being part of a generation who still cant move on!! BACKPACKS ...is this a sad sign of the times or just me? I went to the bank today to sort out a mistake they had made (I never make any, as you know, Im always right) .

Whilst I was standing at the counter, a girl behind me put her backpack on the floor next to me and sort of indicated that she would like me to watch it while she went and withdrew money. I said , yeah, sure, like you do but as she walked away I started having serious second thoughts.

Why couldnt she take it with her? It was a backpack for Gods sake! She could put it on her back, thus leaving her hands free for the transaction.What if it contained a bomb? What should I do? She looked harmless enough but you could never tell. I watched her carefully, thinking if she showed any signs of leaving wthout it I would race after her, carrying it, thus saving all except myself and her from the ensuing blast.What if she was a suicide bomber and had no intention of leaving?!.......All this took less than 5minutes.Clearly I am here to tell the tale, feeling more than a little ashamed of myself..I guess Im only human after all...bit of a shock really.