Cyprus ...the finale.....of testosterone, Aphrodite and ice cream vans.

The last bit, I promise.

The swimming pool was really like a hot bath and I do mean hot.As you swam around you kept thinking" Phew, better get out of here before I cook" only to find yourself becoming dry roasted as you emerged from the water.

Best to get in the pool early morning or late afternoon.Not only to beat the sun but to avoid those youths who were christened the Teststerone Three.

They were only about 14-16 and didnt even dwell in the hotel or I might have been able to have a word (maybe). They arrived armed with two lilos , a ball and enough male laddishness to rival , well, any male lad you could think of.

As one was elegantly (?) swimming to and fro these little gits kept flinging in the lilos and jumping on them with assorted whoops and yells.Now, I dont mind the lilos or the yells but they never paid any heed to others in the pool, something which brought them very close, and I do mean close , to being up ended by my version of a great white shark.

Then I realised why. They were showing their male prowess to several girls at the other end of the pool.I felt a measure of sympathy then because the girls clearly regarded them as complete twats , were way to old for them and busy showing off themselves to some older boys at the other end of the pool.

Ahh, sweet bird of youth....bang....there...dead in the water!

Aphrodites birthplace was beauiful and even tempted me to leave the confines of the air conditioned car for a micro second to snap a pic and return. Legend has it that if you swim around the rock, clockwise , 20 times at mid night, you look 20 years younger.

Im still waiting.

My own testosterone two wanted to have a go on a jet ski which they did.(See the pic)

I was very tempted but chickened out, deciding that I didnt have the upper body strength necessary to climb back on the thing after I had inevitably fallen off. A vision that no innocent soul should have to witness.

The trip up the Troodos mountains was good but after slaving away and roasting even with the aircon to reach the summit what did we find?

A radar establishment, cctv cameras and.......Mr Whippy!

Yes, right at the top was an ice cream van gratefully received.

I think it was Peter Kay.

Cyprus was lovely.

Check out some of the wildlife .

Cyprus part two...of lost loukamades and dancing greeks

It was to be a special meal, greek night at the Oasis.Pepe had pre ordered loukamades from the mad dancing greek who had assured him that they would be there, ready for him. Andreas and the Patsy were joining us and all would be great fun.

Not.

It was mind numbingly hot , even at 9pm and things did not get off to a good start when Patsy was forced to wait, very reluctantly, for Neo coolboy who is always last to get ready.

Then , when the restaurant was invaded, the mad greek had a look of horror on his face because he clearly had completely forgotten the aforementioned louks in his excitement at leaping over flaming grappa probably.

Bad to worse.

Patsy finished her meal in a microsecond, I did not receive half of mine and still the carnivores of our party were awaiting half a lamb each closely followed by a whole emu.

Too much for the Patsy, she left.

I tried to leave but Pepe got very shirty about it and so I stayed to keep the peace.

Mistake.

Sat there for an hour, in the heat, no drink, whilst Pepe , not so patiently, waited for the missing loukamades.

Excuses ranged from, "Ive sent the wife out to get them" to the final "you know what, they BURNED the loukamades" To which I mouthed the reply "b******s"

All tempers were frayed and to cap it all, the bill then took another hour to arrive whilst the mad greek roasted his nether regions by leaping over flaming circles of grappa on the floor of the restaurant whilst balancing glasses on his head.

Altogether, a crap night.

More pleasant tales to follow.

More views of Sunny Cyprus

THE PATSY IN PROFILE

PEPE LE SHREW BETWEEN FEEDS

NORIEGA CHILLIN

SNOB BOY AS THE THINKER

NEO COOLBOY

SNOB BOY AND NORIEGA IN THE EXEC BEDROOM

Back from sunnier climes!

Its been a while and I thought I would add to my trusty blog. Returned from Aphrodites Isle about a week ago and immediately got overwhelmed by the dirty washing ....here I am now.

Cyprus was a brilliant holiday, en famille, which has its ups and downs.Stayed in a great place, Coral beach resort near Paphos.A tad expensive but good accommodation. See the pic, view from our third floor room over the pool, sea and harbour.

Arrived to a heatwave.Yes, I know.Cyprus , August what would you expect? Well, NOT temperatures in the mid 40s and a humidity of 80-90% thats for sure! Anyway, much swimming, lazing in the shade, eating , reading and drinking. It was a tough job but someone had to do it.

More famille in the shape of Andreas, aka "Snob boy" and the Patsy arrived during our first week. I must state here, for anyone to read that the following account of parts of their stay are written with much affection as we thoroughly enjoyed their company.That being said......

Snob boy is so called because he doesnt like to mix with the riff raff or "poor people" and so he and the Patsy had booked themselves into the executive area of the hotel.Separate entrance, sofas, a patio and private (well, away from the chaves) dining if they wished.

THE EXEC AREA

The only trouble was that they were on the ground floor so they didnt have the view that us tramps had and were forced to look at lazing, shiny, frying bodies on the grass immediately in front of their patio. This , coupled with the fact that the Patsy, who is much more in touch with her working class roots, would not allow him to use the private dining area, meant that snob boy was forced to dine with the rest of the rabble.

Now dining was a trauma for another of the party, one Pepe le Shrew.If Pepe didnt eat something every 15minutes he went into a blue funk threatening to " Find his own restaurant" and such like. After this initial sticky couple of hours we purchased some snacks for Pepe so that the room permanently resembled the Co Op and smelled like the cheese section in Sainsburies.Not to worry, it kept Pepe happy.

More pics of the hotel and its guests to follow.More of the Cyprus saga to be written after the weekend. Watch this space.

Off to sunnier climes

Bye guys, off to sunny Cyprus at 6am tomorrow.See you in a fortnight!

In defence of Cadburys

As you may be aware, Cadburys, the manufacturer of positively my favourite chocolate in the whole world, are being taken for a considerable sum of money because of the Salmonella scare in one of their products. Now, I dont know all the details, I will read up AFTER I have written this, (as is my way) but I write to defend the one comment I have heard.
Some poor feckless employee has had the affrontary to say that " a little bit of Salmonella was not considered to pose a risk to the general public."
This has caused an outcry.
Why? I say.
Again , WHY?
Any microbiologist worth their sort knows that in order to have an outbreak of food poisoning, a certain bacteriological burden is required in the contaminated material. This does not amount to 1 or 10 or 100 or even a 1000 organisms but many many more.Even for old, infirm and infants.
Salmonella is indeed an indication of faecal pollution and certainly should not be there but Im hoping that Cadburys would have gone on to identify the source of the contamination and deal with it.
In this day of vastly improved isolation and detection techniques, I suspect, only suspect you understand, that Cadburys would be able to detect far fewer organisms than were necessary to cause a serious panic.
So, give the guys a break, preferably with a bar of the divine cadburys dairy milk.
I may have to eat my words when Ive read up on the case ....if only it were cadburys.

St Tropez or Chavvy orange

Heather and I are going to get a spray tan on Friday afternoon...schools out yippee!

Im off to Cyprus for two weeks next Monday and I couldnt be bothered to cream myself all over with holiday skin ...too much flesh, Id need about a dozen bottles.

THIS IS ME...HONEST! (fingers crossed)

My friend Sheila , aka Mrs Bling, gets her tan from a salon when she goes to functions requiring her to bare her shoulders (?!) so I thought I would give it a whirl so that my pasty white flesh doesnt look quite so pasty in a swimsuit. When I booked it over the phone, it raised not a titter when I told the woman I didnt want to end up looking like an orange. Just stony silence.

I had to tell her that I was teasing her , to which she replied "Oh, I see."

Not a very good start.She'll probably have a bottle of dark mahogany tan ready and waiting when we get there.