Isle of Wight two...Freshwater and Felons

We had had a very tiring day, Mucky and I. Cant remember if we struggled up the cliff and walked through the nature reserve but Im sure we did. Anyway...on arriving at chez Seahorses , we were greeted by an unusual lady who I shall refer to as Strange but Nice (SBN for short).
She was keen to know where we had been, through the very detectable haze of booze, but sadly all we wanted to do was crash on our beds.

After a short nod then wash and brush up , hunger called and we could almost smell the spring rolls, crispy seaweed and chicken in black bean sauce emanating from the village chinky. (is that a racist term? Ah well...). 
We tottered downstairs and made our way across the park, past the garden that seemed to have a permanent party going on and down to the aforesaid establishment....a slight diversion.....

We used to frequent the Vine pub but not only had the food deteriorated and they no longer had a quiz night at which the locals used to cheat like mad by using their iphones but the clientelle  had slipped also. 
One year...it may have been last...a somewhat drunk local , considerably younger than us four old birds (cos we were 4 in those days) decided he would do us a favour by posing with his arms around us for a photo whilst saying" look, you can say you pulled" then expecting a kiss on the way out.
Now, on what planet did this loud mouth , unattractive youth (he was no Brad Pitt...that might have been different) think that four gorgeous cougars ( actually, just me but the other three wont read this so it doesnt matter...Mucky? )would think they had pulled with him? 
The only thing he pulled were four raised middle fingers on the way out. (It may have been three , or even two because Legs and possibly Mucky (nah) were too ladylike for the gesture!)
Oh for the good old days when Legs and I visited the same establishment and were treated to live (?) music by Derek Sandy , all Bob Marley and other reggae , accompanied by a bar full of second hand marijuana smoke resulting in all and sundry up and dancing to the music.

I digress...we wandered down to the chinese and 
"there are no lights on" one of us commented.
In fact the whole of Freshwater is closed on a Monday . Apparently no one eats out then.
So, over to Sainsburies opposite. Always good for a munch.
After twittering around for a while, we picked up the grub for our evening meal to take back to our digs. There was a little confusion , admittedly, which could have been the reason for the subsequent debacle. I do like to give Mucky the benefit of the doubt here although I have reservations.
Anyway....at the checkout was a very pleasant young man with whom Mucky was enjoying a chinwag and a laugh. Now, I take no responsibility for what happened next. My view is that Mucky was so taken by the young man that she lost her head a little and walked away from the till, laughing.
We had almost reached the door, dammit, if only we had been quicker, I blame the zimmer frames, when the nice young man called out, quietly, " would you like to pay for that ladies?"
Well, much hilarity ensued while we scrabbled for money , pretending all the while that our retreat was unintentional. 
Phew! I told her, she has to be quicker next time. We should use the motorised chairs not the zimmers.

OF COURSE WE DID NOT DELIBERATELY SET OUT TO BE FELONS...JUST IN CASE ANYONE READS THIS AND REPORTS US TO FRESHWATER COPS.
The pics are the actual establishments mentioned...all of which are fab.

Ramblings from the Isle of Wight...One...Angry Irish Lady

The Isle visit was different this year......a pilgrimage for Legs (aka Marion) who sadly passed away in November. More of that later.

Whilst out walking to Totland this bright, sunny morning, Mucky and I  were off route as usual and struggling to make sense of where we were aiming to begin the walk, even with a map.

"Look...a person!" I believe it was Mucky who spotted her first. I just saw the dog. I cant resist dogs...and babies.

This elderly lady (older than us) was taking her pooch for a walk. She looked friendly enough and in fact was. ( Dog was happy to be stroked).
She helped with navigation and conversation soon turned to general world matters.(Dog being petted by all).


It soon became apparent that she had the most negative view of the whole of man(and woman) kind in that she believed the human race should die out quickly ( note my use of the word "should" and not "could" here) because of the harm they have inflicted on the environment.

Now, I am a great environmentalist as my friends will attest to and I also take the shame on what we human have done. But there our opinions differed. (Dog continued to enjoy petting but was sitting down at this point)

She maintained that humans had done nothing good and had destroyed the planet single handedly
and thus should be exterminated...which she said was going to happen in 20 years anyway (???)

Now...believe me when I say I tried very hard to give her reason for optimism, relating all the medical advances, all the lets clear up the single use plastic stuff, even the re introduction of wolves to Yellowstone. (She was totally bemused and resistant to this, especially the wolves thing) (Dog now laying down to be petted and Mucky , who was  feeling uncomfortable about my dogged determination to convert this nihilist to my way of thinking , sat down next to the dog.)

I tried and tried but, as Mucky pointed out later, she was clearly a daily mail reader who could not justify any of her arguments or statements, especially the "we will all be dead in 20years" thing.
 So, dear reader, (?) I ended the conversation saying that she should keep the faith and if not she might as well go home, get a gun and shoot herself.

It was at this point that Mucky gasped, I realised I had encouraged a senior to take her own life and we decided to move on. (Dog was whining at this point)

In the unlikely event that the angry leprechaun reads this...Im sorry. I didnt mean it.
Why cant I just nod sagely and say "yes"? 
Because thats not me. Show me the evidence is me and try to see some good in people for Gods sake!

Hello Elliot

Hi Elliot
This ones for you. Its bits of my life since 2006. I hope you find some of it amusing. Dont tell me if you dont...I may have to kill you! (Thats a joke!!)

Wedge woman and Florrie Weeble..the adventures... Chapter 1

Wedge woman awoke, feeling even more "wedgie "than usual. It was to be an enjoyable day going with Bodgit to see Florrie Weeble.
Should she ...  1. get up, dress rapidly (sans washing) and get on the superhula hoops bit of the wifit?
                        2. get up ,dress rapidly (apres ablutions) and eat some porridge in front of Bear Grylls                             Born Survivor?
                         3. Stay in bed and drink the tea that was now cold because she had gone back to                                       sleep?
Yes, indeed, it was number 3.
Closely followed by option 4 which was to waste at least 30minutes on facebook doing Island Adventure, chess , scrabble and lexulous. Any pokes? No...a few likes.Ok
Ablutions of a sort followed...then option 2 after checking the FITBIT to see how many steps she had not taken this morning.

Why am I so effing fat?? she yelled in her head. Why indeed reader, after no exercise, porridge in front of Bear Grylls and general sloth so far..can you guess why ?.

The aged uncle..R.I.P

I should have written at the time...it happened three years ago. The demise of the aged uncle that is. Two months before his 100 th birthday. God bless him....he never did get that polish money back but now he wont need it anyway.

A quick hello

Well, blow me down! Its been about 3 years I think! Here I am using my bloggy as a displacement activity because , although I want to go into the garden. its a bit chilly and so Im here instead.
So much has happened over those three years that would take far too long to tell you , my faithfull readers (none?) just now so Ill save it. Just touching base and feeling in a much better place than I was back then. Sugarpuff? Im not holding my breath anymore!

An update on the eldest

Just in case anyone ever reads this when Im dead and gone.....the update on my eldest is that he has turned so many circles that he is a well rounded , sensible (ish) man now and takes responsibility for his own actions. I love him , and his brother, to bits and hope he forgives me for writing that stuff all those years ago xxx

The walk...with Stanley and Livingstone.

It began as all our walks do with loads of laughs and chat.

And......as all our walks seem to....getting lost on the way to the start of the walk.

Mucky and Legs were very understanding but after yours truly had spent at least 20 minutes driving round in circles through Langley (via Aberdeen!) we all decided that the station would be a good place from which to get directions.

This wasnt helped by the fact that the guy behind the counter thought he was such a joker.....several polite titters from me later and he finally gave up the "go out of here and look for the Bulls Jumper then turn right at the Leaping Frog after youve climbed to the top of the church spire and put the England flag up....etc etc" and told us where to go.

So...we did.And , of course, by this time it was lunchtime so we found a pub.The coach and horses. Sky TV but no food.Moving swiftly on past the alms houses. 

Its been so long that Ive forgotten this one.Ill try and remember for some other time.BTW I dont think this was the walk but ...what the hell...its a nice pic anyway!

What is reality?

What indeed. I believe I am rooted in the real world.Got told recently that I should start "believing is seeing" rather than my usual "show me the evidence".
Now, I am a believer in the religious sense of the world and I do have a very open mind but I cant be doing with namby pamby ,oooohhhh that must be a sign..ers, who constantly try and tell me how much I am missing.

Just for the record......if and when I reach your level of Nirvana I will let you know!
In the meantime...leave me the **** alone to get there in my own time.Ok?

I am happy with myself and my life.I dont always make good choices but then who does?

Enough of this self reflection.Dont suppose anyone is reading anyway so it doesnt matter.

Right, a share. Someone very close to me is having a mental "episode".Im loathe to call it a breakdown because they are sky high right now and hopefully will not come down the other side. They are, however, totally self obsessed and unwilling to take any criticisms of their point of view so its difficult .Also, there is no "dialogue" just a series of long talking "at you"s. I suppose Im putting this on here to get it off my chest and not have to explain or justify.
Pray God....and I have been.....they get back to reality and down to Earth soon.
It aint that bad!!

An update on the aged uncle...and..M!!

The aged uncle seems to be deteriorating quickly.Hes 99 now so I suppose its only to be expected.
The conversation is usually about money  that belongs to Poland from the war. He is convinced that Hillingdon hospital holds the answer to the Polish money. 
The story goes that when he was there, having a hip replacement many years ago, he awoke to find Mafiosa by his bedside, about to kill him.
Then , the chief honcho appeared at the door and said
"No, not him.He helped us in the war."
And thus the " Ms" disappeared.
Uncle.."You must take me to the hospital Lynda"
Me.."Who do you want to see?"
Uncle.."I will know him when I get there and he will know me."
Me..."Why do we need to go?"
Uncle..."Because there is 8 Billion of Polands money there.They will give it to me.They know me."
And so it continues every visit.
More to follow later.

The aged relative.. also occasionally known as. "The Polish Problem"

Today was to be the trip to see the newly installed gravestone surround for my Auntie Elsie.

I had purchased roses for him (the aged uncle) and we arrived at his flat at 9.45.

He was ready except for his outdoor clothes.

He was quite determined to try and walk as much as possible and steadfastly pushed his mobile frame/mini wheelchair ahead of him.

He affectionately calls it the "Spyder".

It was bloody muddy and windy but we made it to the grave with the odd bit of resting for breath.

A few tears, thats natural, and he liked the stone.

Starting to make our way back, he uttered the words every mother dreads

"I need a wee wee"

In the middle of Denham churchyard, no shelter.

Fortunately no people except golfers either so it was managed. I did watch to see where he aimed because we had to get him and the wheely thing back in the car after!

Anyway, all was well and he was very grateful, bless him.

As I was leaving , he conspiratorially whispered to me that

"Sex is bad for you. If I made babies now it would kill me"

At 98 Im not bloody surprised!

I told him I would give it up immediately.

The arrival of the Daewoos

"I do not want any more animals now that the guinea pigs have gone."

I distinctly remember saying those very words.

I did not imagine them.

So, what happens last week?

The arrival of four new females in the house.

(This is something I dont object to having lived with testosterone overload for many years you understand.)

However, the aforementioned females are Degus, little creatures with squirrel faces and grey ratty bodies.

That may sound unappealing to some but they really are very sweeT.

Just, NOT MORE ANIMALS THAT WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME MY PROBLEM!!

It was the eldest, 25 years old, who came home with them.

"Its ok mum, my girlfriend and I will take care of them."

His girlfriend and he are going to Egypt, together, in a few weeks time.

"Taking them with you are you?!" I asked, in exasperation.

The Box

The pet sat in contemplation.
It had never been happy in boxes.
It liked to live and breath and eat and think outside the box always.
The way to the box had been wonderful and it had been lead there, even leading the way itself, more than willingly. It had been unaware that a box was what lay ahead of it .
The master was so kind and very interesting.The master was also a very busy person with many demands made.
The master spoke with reassuring words and soothing tones that really had fired up the creatures enthusiasm and it had gone willingly.
Willingly but with a little apprehension because it did not know the way very well.
It had been well fed on the way and understood that the master had many pets
and that it was a special pet so that was ok. It never ever wanted more than one master.
It reached the box and was not unhappy with it.It felt comfortable and it had plenty to keep itself occupied.

Soon the masters soothing words became fewer and the food supply dwindled to crumbs dropped through the airholes in the lid. The lid was on firmly and there was a keyhole but no key.
The creature was well cared for but felt it position was insecure. Should it whine and scratch the box to get attention? It had always been an impatient, overenthusiastic creature.

No, that wasnt the creatures way.It would wait and see.
One day, it was told that its box was one of many. It knew this already but it wanted to know if the other boxes were also special.

It felt something pressing against its side , under its fur.
It was a key!
Oh , yes, now it remembered.
Never leave the key to your happiness in someone elses pocket.
Keep it in your own.
The creature was glad it had done this.
It had the key.
It would still wait...but now it had found the key.

Infinitives split with gay abandon

Apologies to those of you to whom the splitting of the aforesaid infinitives is a treasonable offence.
:))

Laminar Air Flow cabinets and the perils of alcohol

Poor cousin W. (Another pseudonym)
He had just got to grips with having a new boss when he was asked to take a new co worker round with him and show him the ropes.
Show him the ropes.
This was not a euphemism for a strange new sexual position you understand but a genuine request that the man, who happened to be Dutch ,which may be relevant, (you will see later) could see how things were done and "network ".
Perhaps with hindsight, "show him the ropes" was a poorly chosen expression which in itself got the poor Dutchman excited.
Anyway, cousin W diligently did his best and took Dutch to a shindig , social soiree whatever , at which there were to be some very big knobs (DEFINITELY not a euphemism).
The story goes that all present were imbibing alcohol and cousin W left Dutch to his own devices (clearly a soon to be discovered dreadful error).
Cousin W returned to find Dutch hovering around a table at which sat an attractive but obviously flustered lady who was trying to attract the attention of her male escort.
It would seem that Dutch introduced himself to said lady with the opening gambit that he would like to "F**k her in a Laminar Airflow Cabinet", the convention being about such devices.
The lady , who was unused to such forwardness , was not amused.
Turns out later, she was the managing director.
Oh Joy!
Now, dear cousin W is sincerely hoping that Dutch will have tendered his resignation over Christmas as the aforementioned lady will have no contact from Dutch even to allow an apology.
I think she should have made light of it , perhaps saying" lets get the hors d'ouvres out of the way and then we'll see"
But who am I to say.
Poor poor cousin W.
But he should console himself with the fact that the Flying Dutchman has discovered an entirely new and unique use for the Cabinet .
Surely this is a good marketing point?
They are , after all, well known for their sterility.

Of Neil, Norah and frozen beasties that go bump in the night.

So it was that Neil arrived, as promised (?!) on Christmas eve.
As usual, he came at dishing up time, although there was never any doubt that he would "graze" whilst at Chez Moi. (He has been known to consume items as varied as a frozen chip and a wax ear plug.)
He came bearing gifts...two frozen rabbits and two frozen pheasants.
(Brrrrr...an involuntary shiver from me was of course suppressed, not wanting to hurt his feelings. Anyway, I think the carnivores will devour them but they will have to cook them too!)
Sitting at dinner, he explained in great detail how he had bought a new lamp so that he could assist his friend, Percy the Poacher (a pseudonym you understand) in catching the poor unfortunate animals at the dead of night.
His job , it seemed, was to shine the light into their eyes , thus transfixing them so that Percy could dispatch them.
I made the mistake of suggesting that the wee animals that were now at rest in my freezer were in fact illegally acquired at which point Neil, who never takes offence at anything, indignantly insisted that he had bought them fair and square from Sileby Market and made me study the price list he produced to verify this.
I was duly humbled.
He did provide some entertainment, telling me of his attempts at a roast dinner (pheasant of course) for Norah from the chip shop. (Neil, for readers who are unaware, is mentally challenged and has only just begun to live alone , with carers keeping an eye on him so this is a superb achievement.)
I quizzed him, asking if Norah was his girlfriend.
This he vehemently denied, saying that she was "an old lady"
Now, he is 28.
I hope to God I dont fall into that category just yet!

The innocence of youth and pleasing others

So...I was standing in the queue at Boots, just behind a lady with a small child in a pushchair.

Ahead of us was another couple.They also had a child who was playing with the barrier rope.

He was innocently walking underneath and blowing a raspberry each time he did it.

Suddenly the child in the pushchair began to chuckle.

.This caught "barrier boys" attention and he looked over.

The chuckling stopped.

He soon realised that he was instrumental in the chuckling as, each time he did his trick , "pushchair baby" chuckled like mad.

This made both small children very happy and the game continued , chuckling was louder each time and the act that caused it became more and more elaborate in order to elicit greater chuckles.

Obviously it stopped when barrier boys parents moved away but not before the whole queue had become entranced with this display.

It was quite magical and led me to wonder why it is that children can do something so simple when the reward is nothing more than to know they have made someone else happy?

Yet we as adults would require so much more if we put in so much effort.

When did we lose the knack?

Children rock.

Yes they do.

A tale of three spiders

Sid felt a little squashed , hunched up as he was in a small area of the wainskirting that needed some filler. He had been waiting for some minutes to see his friend and playmate, Arthur, who had indicated by a wave of his sixth leg, that he would join Sid shortly.
"Hmmmm" muttered Sid.
"Never trust the sixth son of a sixth Harvestman, too busy hanging around in corners and showing off!" he growled spiderly.
Just at that moment , the dark corner in which he was lurking became flooded with light.
"Oh bugger! Thats done it! " he thought to himself.
"The missus is in the room."
Click.. click.. click....click click click! came the soft noise.
It was Arthur.
He was under the sofa, trying to attract Sids attention......and....he wasn't alone!
" Over here Sid, " he whispered. Im with my fiancee, Sherree."
Oh great! Thought Sid. Even less reason to meet me now, probably fertilising eggs as we click!
"Well get your skinny self and your bird over here before she- who- hates -us, sees us and gets her bloke to do us all!

" No," said Arthur "Ive got a better idea.Lets have a little game with her.Shes scared stiff of us"
"Just follow me, go where I go".

"Sounds suicidal to me " thought Sid irritably, but he was up for showing off in front of Sids fiancee. "Nice palps that one" he leered.

Arthur suddenly scuttled from his hiding place and moved quickly to the centre of the rug.
Sherree followed , frightened to be left alone under the sofa .(She was scared of the dark).
Sid , followed suit and the three of them were in full view of the missus who let out a terrible shriek, but didnt move.

Realising that, in fact ,they were onto a winner, the three of them devised a little dance, loosely based on a square dance where each of them ran to an opposite corner and back to the middle again.
This dance was much enhanced by Arthur , wishing to show sherree what he was made of, whistling " Born Free" whilst waving his palps in the air.
This little menage a trois continued for a few minutes until......

Bam! Oh ...my...God! Sid exclaimed as Sherree ran for cover.

Arthur had been trapped by the great glass elevator in the sky.
He was, as Sid watched from the safety of the sofa with Sherree, trying desperately to climb up the sheer sides of the glass.All to no avail.

"Ah well, he was a good bloke, shame he didnt get to fertilise those eggs of yours Sherree"
said Sid.
"May I be so bold as to offer my services?"

And......the two lived happily ever after.....until she-who-hates-us...got the hoover out the next day.


This is a true story , based on facts given to me by a friend (she-who-hated-them).
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Attack of the killer geese

The day started in a fairly hectic way with the youngest being driven to the station in order that he might continue his studies in studentland, braving the rush hour traffic to Staines and only half awake at that.
Still, a walk , with my old mukker Marion, along the canal, through the marina , round Little Britain Lake , ending up with a nice cuppa and an egg and bacon sarnie at the lock keepers cottage was looming so all was right with the world.

Yes, I know it looks innocent enough but look into its eyes!

The first bit was good and then we began the little Britain stretch.
Now I noticed the man walking his carthorse down the road, heard a little scuffle, didnt think much of it.

My first mistake.

Through the hedge, necks outstretched,orange beaks bared (if theyd had teeth they would have been bared too) hissing and running straight for us came two white geese.
"They dont look happy " said Marion.
"Theyll be OK" said moi.

My second mistake.

This is more like it!

These damn avian rottweillers made a bee line (gooseline I suppose) for Marion who, fortunately , out of character, was wearing full length trousers instead of her usual shorts.
(Not for nothing is she known as "legs".)

They pecked her hard on the shin and thigh, making a two pronged attack that meant she didnt stand a chance.
Now, why they went for her and not me is simply speculation.I think they were attracted to her light coloured trousers rather than my black ones. Maybe they thought she looked like an egg stealer , tho god alone knows where their eggs were.
Whatever.
I could not stand and watch my pal being attacked and so I jumped into the affray clapping my

hands and shooing loudly.

Quite what I thought I would achieve I cannot be sure.
Its all a haze.
Anyway
The beasts took not a jot of notice and persisted with their foul attack.
Then I really got mad and started hitting them, hard on their not insubstantial backs and swiping at their long necks in the hope of strangling them,at which point they turned their attentions to me.
This was where my heroism really showed itself.
"Run !" I yelled to Marion who was still recovering. I wish I had also added "save yourself" for effect.
As if she would.
Fortunately the combined attack had exhausted the evil pair and they fled , scuttling back through the hedge, leaving myself and Marion, shocked but close to hysterical laughter when we realised we werent injured. (Well, Marion reported the next day that she had a bruise but the skin wasnt broken).
The fishermen, who had been watching this scene , never once attempting to assist us , had big smurks on their dumb faces and then informed us that the horse man had also been attacked in a similar way.
Well, gee, thanks for the warning guys!!
Next Sunday, Goose on my menu!!

The Bee

I took these pics of a bumble bee on a Buddleia in my garden last year and I so love them I want to put them on display.Its as tho the bee got fed up with being photographed and decided...thats it...Im off!